I had hoped for better…

Dan ordered this book as Nina (2.5) has been pushing our buttons at bed time for weeks. She’s trying her luck, she’s only little, she’s not designed to be quiet blah blah blah – but we’re both knackered and by 8pm the constant repetition of ‘mummy, what you doing?’, ‘daddy, what you doing?’, ‘deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle (fucking) deedle’ – as much as we love her, is grating, we need quiet time to decompress, so something needs to be done.
The book arrived this afternoon so naturally I was excited to see how amazing it was after many great accounts of children snoring after the first page.

The inlaws had had Nina for the day and when they dropped her home she was ready for dinner and I could tell she was tired.

This is good.

Dan usually does the bed time reading while I do the dishes but he’s away with work tonight so it’s just me, Nina and Robyn (4 months old) Girls night. I can do this. (I’m secretly very fucking jealous that he’s going to get a double bed all to himself tonight and probably sleep through – not that he ever gets up in the night anyway – while I wrestle with Robyn all night)

We ate dinner – spaghetti bolognaise – for some reason Nina still loves to eat this with her hands like a wildling – it was everywhere, she felt the need to get up half way through eating to touch random things – her toys, the couch, my face ? I told her to go and finish her dinner and she complied – amazing.

I cleaned her hands and face and threw her the iPad (for my sanity) before clearing away/washing the dishes.

I was on my hands and knees cleaning up pasta which she’d stood in so this was full scale, scrubbing her shoes too when she looked up from the iPad, distracted from the ‘educational video’ of Chase vometing blue slime (is this why she’s been spitting?) started pointing at the tv asking to watch dolly mixtures – I don’t know what this is / it’s the first time she’s asked for it and I’ve never heard of it (I like the sweets though)

Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to flick through Netflix to try to figure out what she was talking about – turns out it was Dora the explora – not even close and a huge let down as I thought she’d discovered something new. I thought we could have her watching something that we didn’t know word for fucking word but sadly not.

I steered the conversation away from the tv and we went upstairs to start the bed time wind down.

Bath time, Robyn cried at me while I ran the water, she’s been narky as I ruined her day by taking her for her third set of immunisations this morning as she wants me to know she’s still pissed off about it.

Nina ignored my repeated requests for her to get her clobber off – the usual.

Eventually both girls bathed, we settled down with the book.

I read it word for word, calmly, slowly, serenely – while Nina looked around her room talking about everything unrelated to the book and fidgeted, giggled at her sister who was on my lap (I was feeding her for the 1256532th time today)

‘Rodger the rabbit was sooooo tired *yawn*’ – I calmly acted out the story as instructed.

‘Relax your feet Nina’ – she sat up and asked to watch paw patrol – I concealed my growing rage while I lay her back down – as calmly as I could, all the time keeping Robyn attached to me.

‘Relax your arms Nina’ – she threw her arms in the air and started singing.

I’m not going to lie, I was getting really irritated now. I put the book down, looked her in the eye and said goodnight Nina. Gave her a kiss and came down stairs with Robyn.

I looked at the clock – it was 18:20 -fuck- in my sleep deprived state I’d done bed time an hour early! Dan not being here had thrown me ?

I know I haven’t heard the last of this but I pushed my luck.

I made a coffee.

I waited…

I heard her at the stair gate

‘mummy, take a drive’

We were not taking a drive.

I took her up a cup of milk to find her in her room with no nappy on – I asked her where it was – she’d taken it off and pissed on her bed! She’s been out of nappies during the day for nearly a year and has now decided she doesn’t want to wear the bed time one, she is clearly not ready.

I change her bed.

I notice my bedroom lamp is on.

She speaks. ‘Nina wee wee on mummy’s bed’

With had a sudden sinking feeling of doom I walked into my room and sure enough, she had pissed on my bed as well.

Specifically my side of the bed!

I have had to change two beds while Nina jabbered on about taking a drive and Robyn gobbing off at me. I haven’t slept more than two hours straight in three days and on the one night I get the bed to myself, Nina pisses in it!

So in summary, I don’t know if this book is science or total bollocks. She’s snoring now but it’s got precisely fuck all to do with the story.

I’m going to pass out and let Dan try again tomorrow – at the right time.

I’m an idiot ??

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