I’m not ready yet…

My youngest has just turned six months old and I’m looking to the future, excited and full of dread at the same time.

When her sister was only nine months old I had to return to work as so many others have to. Maternity pay ended, I had no choice but to go back and help Dan out with paying the bills.

I was lucky that my work were accommodating. They let me change my role and drop to part time meaning I (only) had to leave her for three days a week.

I was greatful.

My problem was that after spending pretty much every waking moment with my beautiful girl, I had to go cold turkey.

It hurt.

It was three days of complete radio silence and it was cruel.

I’m not ready for that yet but the pressure is mounting.

The days are ticking away.

We’re still waiting on a formal offer on Dan’s new job, the cars are still fucked and the microwave broke yesterday.

Bobbi has just started sitting, making progress with crawling and we have just introduced solid foods.

Maybe my hormones are on the rampage as she’ll be feeding from me less soon and that makes me sad.

It’s evil that we’re forced to leave our babies just as they’re in the thick of learning to be more mobile. They’re looking to see if we have noticed their new skill – they’ve rolled over – slithered across the room like a snake to get at the plugs in the wall – sat up for five minutes without help.

I know I’ll enjoy work when I get back to it, but I’m not ready to hand her over yet.

I know I’ll enjoy stepping back into a different dimension in my marriage, going out, socialising, learning who I am and who Dan is – we’ve got a bit lost along the way but will carve out some time to find ourselves again.

I know that she’ll enjoy her time with her grandparents, or nursery, or her play date with her friends – but I’m not ready.

It’s all consuming. A dark cloud over my head as I try to enjoy the last scraps of maternity leave.

Our special time soon to be ended by extra responsibility as I unwillingly rejoin the world of work.

I didn't feel ready, but it wasn't too bad.
I didn’t feel ready, but it wasn’t too bad.

I know I’ll be able to give them more things, take them more places, but I’ll be giving them less of me – and seeing less of them.

Hold your babies tight. Enjoy every second.

I know all of these things are true, as do millions of others.

But it sucks ??

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