So you’ve decided to have a baby? 

Congratulations on deciding to have a baby.

You will, no doubt end up buying enough crap to raise an army. It’s impossible to see baby stuff when you’re expecting a baby and not buy something – then something to go with it, and oooh look, a matching hat!!

You’ll second guess and doubt yourself at every turn. Everyone will offer you helpful advice and everyone does everything differently. You will be very confused. Learn to smile and nod.

Don’t buy any blankets. You’ll end up with 20 anyway. Everyone buys blankets. Don’t worry, they’ll come in handy for fort building when your kid is older ??

You are about to learn that you don’t, in fact need to sleep for more than 4 hours a night (here and there) and that it is utter nonsense and in fact, just part of a sales pitch created by companies attempting to sell mattresses or duvets. 

Throw away your hairdryer because pramface mum buns are way quicker and easier – just twist and go. Spend your money on dry shampoo instead as that stuff is a game changer ??

You’ll no longer need to waste your money on expensive perfumes as you’ll have an endless supply of l’eau de yack – it’s free, it’s organic, it’s not been tested on animals (unless it’s found it’s way on to the dog/cat – totally possible) An all round win. You can achieve some form of Chanel collaboration, of course, but there will probably always be a baby undertone.

Hot food/drinks were an invented to sell cookers/kettles/microwaves and are to be enjoyed rarely. Pretty much everything can be eaten/drank cold. 

Patience, it’ll get worse before it gets better, then it’ll get worse again. You’ll have none, then you’ll have shit loads – when your kid is 2 for example – and they say your name (mummy of course) for the millionth time that day, you’ll mutter ‘for fucks sake’ under your breath and quietly count to 10 then smile and say ‘yes sugar/poppet/hunny/sweety/darling?’.

You’ll suddenly realise that having two hands was invented by glove companies. You can do everything with one as you’ll probably be holding your baby with the other one.

You’ll learn that you can clean your whole house from top to bottom with baby wipes.

It’s much easier to talk to strangers and make new friends when your kid is being cute/doing something daft/having a public bitch fit.

You’ll appreciate your parents more. Much more ??

Children are hilarious. Be prepared to laugh – a lot ❤️

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