One vs two – the coffee date (if more just add hi-jinx)

One: if you arrive first, Buy a drink and find somewhere to sit. 

Two: if you arrive first get a drink (coffee, black, STRONG [hooked up intravenously]) find somewhere to sit, then be forced under the toddler glare of ‘if you don’t do this that means you don’t really love me’, into performing ‘super cool mummy sings crap kids songs and does all the actions too’ concert – interrupted at regular intervals with ‘louder, louder mummy’.

One: Your baby will mostly coo cutely, happily (quietly) play with some toy or other or sleep their way through the whole meeting, while you blissfully talk utter shite with your mummy friends.

(If I come across as a bit jealous here it’s because I am – just a little a bit ??)

Two: one will be quiet, the other will be loud and fast.

One: You’ll cuddle your baby or rock them (sometimes endlessly) in the pram trying to get them to sleep whilst wanting to cry yourself as you would love to sleep.

Two: you’ll feel guilty that you’ve left the baby unattended in the pram while you run off to retrieve the sprinting toddler AGAIN! You have no fantasies about sleep, why turture yourself – it’s just not going to happen ?

One: you can vent, share all your annoyances with your friends, they understand, they’re knackered too.

Two: You’re lucky if you can keep up with the conversation as you’re dipping in and out chasing the toddler and answering their million questions – about nothing and explaining AGAIN why you’d really prefer if they didn’t hit you with things or stand on your feet.

Observations – 
I miss being able to waft about going for chilled out coffees and lunch dates where I didn’t start going bald with the stress of it.

The Itsy bitsy spider in the middle of a pub is not the one.

The doctor in ‘Miss Polly had a Dolly’ is a total dick. If the Dr looked at me and shook his head I’d think he was a patronising bell end. I’d probably say ‘listen you wazzock – I’m ill, sort it out, and I know my bmi is shot to shit but that’s not why I’m here so fuck off’.

All the songs in the concert end with a round of applause – which is nice ??

No matter how much your toddler annoys you (don’t lie – they do – they can be the most irritating people ever) they ALWAYS say or do something hilarious and totally redeem themselves ??

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