Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a beautiful woman called Mummy.
Mummy used to be slimmer, smell like Chanel, and sleep through the night.
She lived with a handsome man, called Daddy and they used to go out of the house in the evenings, where there were other adults. They’d talk, drink beer and smoke cigarettes.
Until one night, Mummy and Daddy drank a shit load of vodka by mistake and decided it would be jolly good fun to have a baby.
This was a magical idea at the time, but Mummy didn’t realise that she wasn’t just making a baby with Daddy. She was making a trade.
The evil witch Vodka made Mummy forget that she was trading away her waist line, all her spare cash and the ability to sleep through the night.
Months passed, the baby arrived and life was changed forever.
Mummy had lots of new aches and pains and Daddy started skipping out to work every morning for some peace.
After a while, life became very comfortable so Mummy and Daddy decided to have another baby.
Still being unable to face Vodka after last time, they went out in search of the sinister bastard Rum instead.
Mummy and Daddy had forgotten how bad the sleep deprivation was last time.
Months passed and the baby arrived. Mummy and Daddy were very happy.
Mummy thought she might need to call on the evil Vodka and the sinister bastard Rum, so that she could get some sleep.
Mummy was very, very tired but could not risk invoking an accidental hangover, as the children would have made her suffer.
Mummy resolved to sleep when she’s dead, and told herself that when the children are teenagers, revenge would be had.
Mummy had coffee. A lovely, giant vat of coffee.