Mummies are twats and Daddies are wazzocks. 

Sometimes, when Mummies and Daddies have been been together for a very long time they can be complete arseholes to each other.
They don’t do it on purpose – it just sort of happens from time to time.

Mummies are cave dwelling life wreckers with the annoying tendency to tidy things up – moving them to strange alien contraptions known in some circles as ‘wardrobes’ and ‘cupboards’.

Daddies are lazy swamp dwelling DIY Dodgers, often throwing things at their arses – clothes, shoes etc.

Mummies lurk in dark corners coming out only to pick up the clothes that have been strategically lobbed on the floor.

Daddies don’t notice the missing clothes until three weeks later – asking Mummies (who are usually total airheads) where said items are – Mummies don’t always recall where they put things – this is not helpful ?

Mummies clean bathroom fixtures so that Daddies retinas are burned by the bright white and shiny metal lurking beneath the beard hair and toothpaste that have been left there.

A Daddy could stand directly in front of a wardrobe scratching his head, helplessly wondering where his tracksuit bottoms are (having not even considered opening a fucking drawer) with a harrowing look of despair etched on his face. 

Mummies need to rely on Daddies for many things, including when they can’t reach things that are high up. Usually alcohol, placed on a shelf beyond Mummy’s limited grasp. Daddies can be very obliging in helping Mummies obtain this wonder talent juice as it might actual relax Mummies enough to invoke some form of physical contact later. 

Daddies can usually be found sat comfortably in an armchair – hogging the remote control – some watch sports, some watch top gear. Occasionally you’ll come across a Daddy that likes to watch survival programmes – intermittently chiming in with helpful comments like ‘fucking Ben Fogle’. 

Every now and then Mummies totally ruin Daddies lives by having the audacity to suggest actually leaving the house to spend time with (dun dun dun) OTHER PEOPLE!

This is not acceptable to Daddies. 

Mummies are random and impulsive creatures that can, at times run off at a million miles per hour when the notion of doing something different takes their fancy. 

Some Daddies spend years perfecting their chairs ‘ass groove”, so they decide to refuse to integrate socially with anyone if it’s not absolutely necessary so they can maximise time spent with their chairs. 

Daddies are tired from doing their extremely important jobs. Mummies can forget how exhausting a long and hard day of being important, contributing to the economy can be.

Mummies clearly need to up their game.

Daddies need to cut Mummies some slack.

Basically – after a few years of being a consolidated unit, Mummies and Daddies attempt to communicate telepathically. 

Sadly, this is not humanly possible.

Mummies and Daddies usually realise that this is all just bollocks and that they actually do still love each other – despite wanting to punch each other in the throat on occasion ??


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