This is my actual life…

Today we had a lazy morning (I don’t have many of these left as sadly my maternity pay will run out soon and I’ll have to go back to work,  so I’m abusing it while I can). 

We chilled out, danced, played and and messed up the kitchen baking cakes to take on our picnic this afternoon.

Sounds a bit Mary Poppins doesn’t it?

It was not.

I was feeding Bobbi after our showers, when Nina looked like she was making a move towards having a drink herself – No.fucking.way that was happening. Aside from the fact that I haven’t fed her for over two years I really didn’t fancy being pinned down by a 2.5 stone toddler and physically cannibalised ? 

Nina ate most of the cake mixture before it went in the oven – I’m amazed she wasn’t sick.

Then while my back was turned she decided to redecorate the living room with her cup of ‘dragon hunt’, (black currant) – I have now imposed a 7 day straw embargo as I was thoroughly displeased with her ‘washing the (silk) rug’ for me ?

Bobbi totally lost her shit while I packed our picnic so we ended up going without crisps – toddlers think picnics are totally shit without crisps – they are the holy grail of the picnic. 

The sammidges were a mess as they were made with one hand, the other was grappling with Bobbi as although she wanted to be held, she was attempting to alligator death roll out of my grasp while repeatedly slapping me in the face. 

We arrived and I perpetually negotiated with Nina – repeating myself x 1,000,000 ‘eat your sammidge’ (she snaffled half a packet of haribo earlier that Dan had left at grabby little hands height so there was zero chance).

I don’t think I actually managed even one fully coherent conversation as I was constantly having to tell Nina not to run off, to eat her sammidge and at one point I threatened to elbow her in the face – because Bobbi had just been on the receiving end from Nina and it’s only fair).

I felt like a twat for threatening the 2 year old but she’s a violent little cow at times! We were twats together.

Rain cut our outing short so we came home. Our friends arrived for a cuppa where the much anticipated hen weekend was discussed. I’m going to call it ‘mummy’s magical weekend of freedom’.

My friends 10 year old prompted me to threaten to send them home with a fart gun as it was making my brain hurt. The offer was sadly declined.

Dinner was had (pizza adorned with what I can only describe as spicy donkey meat #unobtainium) and some salad that didn’t pass the children’s lips – it was basically there to make me feel less guilty – it was #guiltgarnish.

Nina had a Ghost poo- I’m hoping it was hiding around the u-bend and not secretly stashed in a shoe. Only time will tell.

Dans off out running up a really steep hill, the girls are asleep and I’m treating myself to a pint of bitter. 

Photo is what I turned around to find Nina doing in the car ??

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