Getting ready for work after maternity leave…

After welcoming your beautiful bundle into the world, recovering from the birth, getting to know each other, enjoying lazy mornings, lunches out and basically doing whatever takes your fancy for the best part of a year (or more if you’re lucky), you’ll probably have to come crashing back down to earth at some point, re-joining the world of work as sadly you can’t pay the bills with sunshine and rainbows.

Here’s a few things to consider.

Shopping for work clothes

This is a soul destroying necessity.

Do this in plenty of time – DO NOT leave it until the weekend before you’re due to go back.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll have been living in leggings since you had your baby and lying to yourself about what size you are.

You will curse the evil bastard that designed the lighting in those godforsaken fault highlighting depression boxes (changing rooms) where you’ll discover that your body has completely changed shape. You’ll probably try on ten things then go and have a coffee and a slice of cake, resigning yourself to ordering online as it is just too depressing.

Your online order will arrive and you’ll realise that none of it fucking fits as the models are all size 10, 7 feet tall Giants – and you are 5′ 2″ and eat food to live.

You’ll go back to the first shop you went into and buy stretchy stuff. Sweet, forgiving stretchy stuff.

Baby sleeping through?

Hahahaha of course not. You’re still shattered. Now you’ll be shattered with a fixed agenda and something you can’t be late for.

Childcare

This will most likely cost more than your mortgage/rent. If you’re full time, you can enjoy earning that first thousand pounds knowing that you won’t see one single, solitary brass penny of it.

If have more than one and you’ve fucked up your age gaps you could have to drop all of your little cherubs off at the four corners of the planet, turning your morning into an episode of challenge Anika. (It’s already like mobilising a sodding army trying to get out of the house without throwing this into the mix ?)

Return to work date

Once this is set it’ll rock round faster than Fast Jack McFast, the winner of the fastest at being fast competition.

Foreboding Sense of doom

You’ll worry that your work friends have all left, or forgotten you, or that you’ve forgotten how to do your job. You’ll doubt your abilities – even if you’ve been in the job for years and know you’re great at it!

You’ll have forgotten how to type and will be that person in the office that asks loads of stupid questions, as while you were off your intellectual powers have dropped to match that of a parsnip.

Guilty excitement

You’ll more than likely feel like a complete twat for being secretly excited about slapping on some make up and heels to trot off out and be a human in adult company for once and looking forward to coming home snot/vomit etc free.

Mentally Spending

You’ll have money again! After you can’t even recall how long of being completely piss poor! Caloooo calay! Holy shit – what to buy first?!

You’ll promise yourself manicures, pedicures, hair do’s and clothes but you’ll spend it all on the baby (s).

Homecoming

This will be the best part of your day. Even if the child(ren) scream at you the minute you see them. You’ll have missed their beautiful little faces.

Bedtime

By the time bedtime arrives you’ll march your little darling(s) up the stairs like an army major as they’ll have missed you so much they’ll have touched and talked at you for 4 hours solid.

Booze

No explanation required ??

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