You may be a mum wanting to know if the contents of your bag are normal, you may be a bloke wondering why mum’s need such gigantic bags.
Either way here’s a few things you’ll find in the bag of a mother…
A Purse – With pound coins in. Mums must have pound coins for the ‘Surprise Eggs’, ‘Noddy Cars’ and ‘Gastons’ that kids will nag for.
NOTE – for about 3 years every time you put a quid in a motorised car, your kid will jump off – terrified, cowering behind you while you watch the unmanned ride bump about – wasting your money.
Some of us usually only have animated butterflies and dust in our purses, as we’re either on SMP or spending most of what we earn on childcare (because we’re lucky like that).
1,000,000 loyalty cards for coffee places – Obviously us mums have sod all else to do. (A common misconception that nearly earned my husband a punch in the throat).
Bobbles and clips – These are useful in shopping trolley-hair pulling situations – tying the kids hair back if it’s long is a better solution than employing a skin head and mittens.
A nappie – If its a quick trip out you probably wont need it, but dont run the gauntlet. Take at least one with you.
Wipes – Mums have the pleasure of wiping noses and bums and tables and high chairs. Also we have to wipe ‘matter’ from our clothes – if we notice it’s there (it’s always there).
A spare onsie – We never leave home without one. At some point the baby will shit EVERYWHERE and that beautiful outfit they’re wearing (we remember buying it while still pregnant and waiting months for it’s debut) will have to go straight in the bin. We need to be prepared!
Spare pants – For the toddler. Even if they’ve been toilet trained for years they could still have an accident and we cant just suggest they go commando. They’re very particular about things.
A banana (and/or a biscuit) – At some point someone will be hungry. We need to be prepared.
Make up – If our makeup doesnt melt off it will be licked, slapped, touched off by the kids and we will end up looking like a deranged bag lady. We need supplies to hide our ‘I havent slept in years’ complexion and make ourselves look vaguely human again.
At least one lipstick will be missing a lid.
A Peppa pig toy – or at least one of the Paw Patrol. If we’re in the car, a shop or a queue and the kids kick off – out comes Peppa and BOOM! Crisis averted. Kids have really short attention spans. Sometimes mums need to exploit this.
Sweety Wrappers – Handed to us by the kids because we’ve done such a great job of teaching them not to be litter bugs – we have became the bin.
Plasters – After that scraped knee that summer we NEVER leave the house without at least one ‘magic plaster’ – no one wants to go through that again.
There you have it. Go and buy a bigger bag.