If your children have terrorised you all morning and you just can’t take it any more, you could take them out to soft-play – here are a few things that will happen if you have two small children…
1. Upon arrival, you’ll manage to get the yourself a coffee and split the diet wrecking biscuit between the children. They’ll end up wearing more than they eat (earning you disapproving looks).
2. You’ll give the children a fruitshoot each (earning you disapproving looks).
3. You will probably have to abandon your coffee to take one or both of them to the toilet – making sure the cup is dead centre of the table, away from small grabby passing hands. (earning you disapproving looks).
4. Child A will want to run around the under three’s area like a juggernaut (earning you disapproving looks).
5. You will have to abandon Child B in the ‘Baby containment area’ at some point to retreave Child A (earning you disapproving looks).
6. You take them both in to the ball pit (for a bit of a rest), where you throw balls at Child A – in turn accidentally encouraging them to throw balls at the other mums and dads who are also in there trying to catch thier breath (earning you disapproving looks).
7. While in there you decide to play by dragging Child B around by the legs (earning you disapproving looks).
8. You wait at the bottom of the big slide (holding Child B) at the request of Child A (you are but a humble servant) – only to discover that Child A has got distracted and fucked off somewhere else, leaving you to blindly search for them (earning you disapproving looks).
9. You will find Child A in the baby containment area, being quizzed by another mum about your whereabouts – you’ll trott over, smile weakly, pick Child A up under your free arm – removing them from the baby area – walking away hefting a child under each arm (earning you disapproving looks).
10. You’ll decide to go down the big slide with Child B on your lap but you’re more rotund than you used to be and will probably get stuck (earning you disapproving looks)
So there you have it. You will morph into an Octopus, Athelete Spy who sees only the matrix within 30 minutes and be a haggared, nervous wreck by the end of it and it’ll cost you around fifteen quid.