Don’t Let Your Kid be a Dick

Kids can be dicks – don’t get me wrong, I know my precious little flowers are not always well behaved, delightfully polite cherubs who share beautifully – they are entirely capable of being dicks – I’ve seen them morph and been there to manage their levels of dickishness on many, many occasions.

The older one, preparing to be a dick to the younger one
The older one, preparing to be a dick to the younger one

Every now and then I go to the park/the farm/soft play to be met with some child who has been left to it by a (no doubt) knackered parent – again – I have been there – sleep deprivation is a bitch and some days kids can drive you CRAZY – I get it.


I too am exhausted – I can count the decent nights sleep I have enjoyed over the last four years on one hand, being woken daily at the crack of dawn by someone breathing in my face telling me their ‘belly needs breakfast’, or being in the receipt of a ‘nappy slap’ to the face as the younger one tells me (with words she doesn’t yet know) that she’s had a gargantuan shit, before my eyes are even open and my eldest talks at me non stop ALL DAY.

Usually we make our way to the park or wherever it is early, before the kids become arseholey with boredom – like caged monkeys getting a bit too close to flinging their own excrement about for entertainment – by the time we get there we are knackered.

It takes a lot of energy and patience for me to interact with my own two children on our little sanity saving trips – I do not have enough in reserve for yours as well.

When I’m in the sand pit with my kids, and your kid says to me ‘My Mummy’s inside as she didn’t want to come out’ – I shouldn’t have to mutter ‘fucking great, I’ll manage you as well then shall I?’

While you’re off somewhere chatting with your friends, drinking coffee, looking at your phone or just letting your eyes slide out of focus for a bit, I’m stuck as referee between your kids and mine. This is not acceptable and here’s a shocker for you – I WILL TELL YOUR KID OFF.

If your kid hits my kid, or snatches a toy, or stamps on our sand castle I will tell them off in your absence, just as I would tell my kid off for doing the same.

Our sand castle - half flattened by your kid
Our sand castle – half flattened by your kid

In short – Don’t let your kid be a dick. Be reasonable – instead of being absent – join me in a tag-team team. I’ll happily get involved with a relay – but dont expect me to bear the brunt without saying anything if your kid is being a dick?

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