When I was tagged in the #youhavetolaugh tag I thought – ‘fuck off – I’m far too busy and important for this kind of garbage’ – Then I read that it apparently only takes seven minutes so I thought ‘fuck it, I’ll have a go’. It took more than seven minutes. I want my money back.
I’ve invested my time now so have a read if your kids will afford you roughly seven minutes (they probably won’t – you’ll probs read this in installments – If you can be bothered).
1) Fill in the gap: Before I had children I never…
Understood the true meaning of sleep deprivation. I never randomly stood, helplessly staring into the cold, bright abyss of the fridge, pretending to be busy just to get 2 minutes peace. I never had an audience for a poo. I didnt have to share my bed with children or stuffed toys, I never got yelled at while I showered and noone wiped their bogeys on me.
2) What is the most annoying toy that your child owns or has owned and why?
Clip Clop shoes – without a doubt – whoever thought these bastard things up and started flogging them deserves a punch in the neck – N dons hers when she senses any kind of conversation beginning – she especially likes to jump up and down in the sodding things when we’re on the phone. They should all be rounded up and burned with fire.
3) Would you rather be covered in poo or covered in puke?
Poo. When my kids puke it’s like something out of ‘Guest House Paradiso’ – at least the poo is only small in quantity – maybe I’ve just been really lucky so far – or not – I’ve worn puke onsies a few times.
4) Is Peppa Pig more annoying than Postman Pat is bad at his job? Discuss.
Ok. Peppa is an obnoxious arsehole, George is a whiney twat, Mummy pig is a bell end, Daddy pig is a know it all lazy wazzock, Mrs Rabbit is shit at every job she tries (one can only assume that she keeps getting the sack for being entirely incompetent).
The hill they live on is frankly just dangerous – I’d be concerned letting the kids play outside incase they fell down and broke their crowns and I bet they’re constantly shitting themselves that someone will leave the handbrake off, causing the car to career down the hill at an alarming speed, potentially killing and/or maiming anyone in its path.
Also – someone needs to warn them about the fish bowl on the telly – that’s an accident waiting to happen. Idiots.
I read once that Postman Pat is a drug dealer – thankfully we haven’t been subjected to it yet so I can’t pass comment on him – I do know that Norman is a little shit who deserves a slap around the ear and an asbo though.
5) What time constitutes a lie-in in your house now and how does this compare to your pre-child days?
7am. 7am wake ups are Magical – they do involve N physically prying my eyes open, breathing in my face saying ‘MY belly is telling me it’s hungry Mummy. Get up and make me breakfast’.
I used to be able to get pissed then sleep till 11am. Those days are gone. I live in fear of hangovers.
6) What is your favourite swear word or swear word combo and when was the last time you used it?
I say ‘fuck’ a lot. Fuck it. Fuck off. Fuck you. You’re a cock womble. Fuck fuck fuck lol
Last used around 3 hours ago as I’m home alone right now.
7) Tell us your worst ever nappy or potty training experience.
N was 6 weeks old and we bought her a beautiful little dress and frilly pants combo – she looked lovely – like an angel.
We arrived at our destination (a friends wedding reception) and handed her over – as proud as a pair of peacocks – to a friend, who handed her back after about two minutes, looking disgusted as he had actual shit on his hand – ‘How odd’, I said, ‘I’ve only just changed her – she can’t possibly have gone off already’ (first time mum – rookey mistake)
Off I trotted, smiling, carrying my beautiful child, a nappy and a half empty packet of wipes.
It was a full on SHITASTROPHE. I’d never seen anything like it. Stupidly I took the outfit off over her head – I still don’t know what I was thinking – it.was.everywhere – in her hair, on her back, legs – Fuck it – it was like she’d knitted herself an organic matter suit.
After struggling in vain to clean her up without plastering the walls/floor/ceiling – I called Dan (thank christ I had my phone on me) – I screamed down the phone – ‘BRING SUPPLIES – I NEED THE BAG – I NEED JESUS – I NEED AN EXCORSIST – HELP ME’ – in he trotted. He surveyed the scene. N was completely naked. There were shitty wipes everywhere and a scared, confused look on my face. It was 100% a two man job and within minutes it was sorted.
We decided that the cute dress and frilly pants were fucked, so they were bagged up and binned.
The only spare outfit we had for her was a horrible ‘gender neutral’ beige onsie.
Fucking marvelous it was.
8) There is no electricity and won’t be for the next week. NONE. After eating the contents of the freezer (assuming you have a gas cooker) what the hell do you do with yourself?
We have all electrical so would be reduced to using the bbq until we ran out of charcoal – then Dan would probably want to revert back to caveman tactics – finding things to burn and training the cats to hunt for us.
9) If you didn’t need the money and didn’t have a little one what would you spend your days doing?
Traveling, drinking, SLEEPING.
10. Tell us a random fact about yourself…
I have sang with The Commitments – sadly I was as pissed as a pissed thing and sounded like Bridget Jones.
11) If you could have anyone round for dinner, alive or dead, which 3 people would you choose? (NB – If you pick a dead person they would be alive during dinner – you wouldn’t just be dining with a corpse. That would be creepy)
1. Brian Blessed – he’d have a million cool stories and would be hilarious.
2. Billy Connelly – The man is fucking funny
3. Mary Berry – If she could cook the dinner too that’d be ace.
12) What is your favourite funny blog post ever (your own, or someone else’s)?
This one by Beta Mummy made me howl as I am totally Beta Mummy running – Elderly people can sometimes walk past me when I’m running. It’s magical. ?
So there you have it. Well done if you managed to focus your eyes long enough to read this utter tripe. I’m tagging the following and looking forward to reading their responses…change two questions (if you can be bothered) and tag me and You Have to Laugh