1. No-one sleeps – When the kid(s) have a fever that sets you on the edge of a total melt down because the f*cking thermometer gives a different reading 5 times in 1 minute – you have to dispense drinks in the middle of the night and at the end of the day you’ve managed to get everyone to sleep three times already but bed time is STILL happening.
2. Vomit – vomit everywhere – especially if you’ve gone out for ‘a drive’ to get them to sleep. Just as you pull into your street one of them will go off like a fucking fountain – it will be EVERYWHERE. If you have more than one in the car, the sibling(s) will think they are being awfully helpful telling you there is vomit all over your car – just in case you didn’t know.
(Note- this is more likely to happen if you’ve recently washed the car seat – so you have the absolute ballache that is stripping, washing and reassembling it all over again – yay).
3. You’re afraid to give them food/drinks – After the first harrowing vomit experience (usually ending up with you wearing a suit of puke) you’ll have the fear and want to starve your child – every time you give them something you’ll be gingerly skirting around them in case they go off again – keeping yourself out of the firing line.
4. Everything becomes a drama – the kids will all grass on each other – and they’ll cry about everything. Examples include ‘she coughed in my ear’, ‘the dog farted near my eye’ and ‘I’m missing Daddy’ (says child standing next to Daddy).
5. Taking days off work/school – if you’re really lucky it’ll be nursery – then you’ll know it’s costing you around £57 to stay off and be shouted at/puked on for the day before you take in the impact of not being at work. Lucky you.
6. Watching the same film three times in one day – purely to keep them quiet – until they get distracted and you threaten to turn it off – before they have a full on bitch fit forsing you to relent.
7. You give up on the washing – what’s the point? Everyone’s puking all over themselves anyway and you won’t get the freedom to dry, fold and put it away – (you started buying clothes that don’t need ironed ages ago) the floordrobe will give you facial twitch after day 1.
8. You long for a Vat of calpol – they don’t sell bottles big enough, the kids whine about the taste of it and they keep forgetting to pop something in the box for the parents. Prozac? Cyanide?
9. Wish you were dead – when you come to the realisation that you haven’t had a minutes peace for three days and sleep has become some sort of twisted dream that doesn’t seem possible.
10. You’re total dicks to each other – It’s a good job that you are your partner actually like eachother – seriously.
Thankfully it only lasts a few days but it feels like a sodding life time.