There comes a point during a long drive with young children, when you inevitably lose the will to live.
If (like us) you’re on your way back from a week long camping trip – dreaming of central heating, your soft, comfortable couch and lovely king sized bed – having spent five days in a tent on an under-inflated air bed in the beautiful British summertime – soggy and cold – this will be the longest trip of your life (it was eight hours for us).
When you reach this stage, several things start to happen/go through your mind.
1. There will be Chocolate everywhere – as you throw anything you can find at the children to keep them happy and quiet. Soz Jamie Oliver!
2. Your Car will Resemble a Skip – due the all the crap you have to take camping being hastily crammed back in the car, while you and your partner exchanged expletives about how cold it was and how wet your feet/legs/everything were.
3. You’ll Resort to Playing I Spy – And all you and the children will see is sky, cars and the road x 1,000,000.
4. Wee-Wee – You’ll have to stop for at least one alfresco wee-wee as A. The children have bladders the size of walnuts and B. Your partner has a bladder the size of a sodding peanut.
5. Everyone Being Miserable – As you all stare at the never ending concrete abyss ahead of you – knowing that although you’ve been travelling for hours – you’re not even halfway there.
6. Shit Roads and Lies About Motorways – If you have to venture away from the motorways (because all the delays and roadworks make you want to drive into the central reservation at speed) you’ll be forced on to bumpy country roads that’ll make you want to vomit – all the while being promised that the M6 is only a few minutes away – honest.
7. You’ll have a Huffing Competition – It’ll start with your partner taking the piss out of you and will end either A. Lightening the mood or B. Making you want to flying head-butt them.
8. Get the Little Stove Out and Boil Your Head – This is either something that you’ll want to do voluntarily, or something your partner will instruct you to do.
9. If We Lived Here We’d be Home by Now – The children will start saying this at every.single.house you pass. You’ll die a little more inside every time as you’re thinking the same thing.
10. You’ll Consider Throwing the Tent Up and Living in a Hedge – You’ll think this more than once.
Luckily for me (and my husband) while I was slumped in the passenger seat, wearing a down turned mouth and a frown I was promised a bucket of wine. This pleased me greatly.
It was later delivered. Happy days.