You might have noticed that it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything at all.
In fact I don’t think I’ve strung sentences containing more than four words together this year because I’m perpetually KNACKERED.
Here’s a few of the things we’ve been enjoying so far in 2018…
Bobbi Took To Biting Herself For A While
This is obviously daft and we couldn’t figure out why anyone would do such a thing – turned out that she was doing it while we weren’t looking purely to get Nina into trouble.
I Made The Dog A Birthday Cake
Bobbi then repeatedly attempted to eat it.
She was literally sneaking out to the kitchen to cheekily chomp some of it.
The Girls Took To Downing Tools At The Dinner Table So They Could Eat Like Cats
We let them crack on as at least they were eating. The post-dinner clean ups were ridiculous though so we’re glad it passed.
The Dog Ate A Bean Bag
It took me 2 hours and 30 hoover-fulls to clear up – he did this while I was out and he was in his crate be cause some absolute twatty moron (either me or Dan) left the sodding bean bag ON TOP of his crate. #stupid.
Both of the girls decided to grow about a foot at the same time, meaning none of us slept for a fortnight – Dan and I were reduced to shadows of our former selves, but still expected to function on a human level day to day and not become horrible shit parents.
Being a Referree
The girls are going through (what I hope is) a stage were they feel the need to snatch things from one another constantly and frequently slap, punch, stand on, pull each others hair. They are horrible to each other and we have been forsed, on numerous occasions, to decide who the perpetrator is and if there’s no clear evidence, to make them ‘be friends’ again.
There is a new installation on the girls’ bedroom door. I can’t clean it off so am tempted to colour it in – make a thing of it.
We don’t know where they got the marker from – some twat (me or Dan) must’ve left it within child reaching distance. #rookeyerror.
Nina started in January and as proud as I was that she was ‘promoted’ to ‘Duckling 2’ after just six sessions – she spent her debut lesson in the higher class headbutting the water and trying to swim – as she can’t yet swim, from my seat in the spectator stalls, it looked like a game I’ll call ‘float like you’re dead’.
Battles Over Food
Every.single.mealtime. Bobbi likes to sit on the table to eat and Nina just farts around with her food until we have to bribe her. It’s painful.
Battles At Bedtime
Bobbi has decided that sleep is like poison and must be avoided at all costs. This displeases us greatly. Some days, she will only sleep if she’s physically laying on my face.
I Haven’t Lost Any weight
I’m still depressingly rotund and have been informed by Nina that I’m ‘as old as our house’ – I’m thirty bloody six – our house is fifty-odd – so that’s nice. I’ll be starting a ‘kick start diet’ soon to help me shift the baby weight, and more than likely make me lose the will to live.
Talking To Spiders And Slugs And Worms
I have been ‘introduced’ to numerous spiders, slugs and worms – but have, thus far , managed to avoid physical contact with them.
So there you have it – there has been no energy for writing about this stuff as every time my arse hits the couch someone needs something, I simply must join in with a game of hide and seek or the world will end, the couch becomes ‘lava’ and I’m forsed to vacate it or I remember something I meant to do earlier.