Leaving the house with two little kids…

Once the toddler has touched you awake with cold feet on your back, relent and heave yourself out of bed. 

Collect the baby (if not already attached) and head down stairs.

Ask the toddler what they want for breakfast – follow their instructions. Today’s selection was monkey cereal (coco pops – it’s the same nearly every morning).

The toddler will protest – ‘not these mummy, my don’t like them.’ 

Negotiate with the toddler – ‘you do like them, you ate them yesterday’ – the toddler will refuse until you attempt to remove the cereal – at which point you instantly become the devil.

The toddler eats the cereal while you prepare breakfast for yourself and the baby. Today, this was bacon, eggs, mushrooms and tomatoes. 

Watch as the baby rubs bacon, eggs, mushrooms and tomatoes all over themselves.

Run around after the toddler, tidying the toys left in their path as you go. (You know this is futile, but you can’t help yourself, so you do it anyway).

The baby squawks when finished so the clean up can commence. This takes about 10 minutes and half a pack of baby wipes. 

Collect the children, head upstairs for showers, teeth cleaning, hair brushing etc. These things should be simple, but they take over an hour. The toddler will stand at the bottom of the bath shouting and throwing various toys at you while you shower (for all of three minutes before they climb in and you get out) 

This is your window to get ready. Throw some makeup at your face, jump into some clothes and run a brush through your hair. If you’re lucky there’ll be time to use your sacred (dusty) hairdryer. 

Once out and dried, attempt to dress the toddler while they jump up and down on the bed singing ‘4 little monkeys jumping on the bed’.

Change and dress the baby. The baby is mobile now so you will need to foil many escape attempts during this process.

Once ready head downstairs. Repeat the phrases ‘put your shoes on’ and ‘come on, we’re going to be late’ approximately 2,000,000 times whilst getting your things together and cleaning random things you spot on your way.

Leave the house and strap the children in the car.

Go back to the house for hats/coats/wipes (whatever it is that you’ve forgotten – there will always be something)

Go back to the car to be informed by the toddler that the simply must have their (insert random toy that hasn’t been played with for weeks here) or they will just stop living.

Go back to the house and retrieve it for a quiet trip.

Once on your way realise that there is no such thing as a quiet trip.

while you’re at it, why not attempt plaiting piss ??

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