Delivery time – 10 months
Hair colour – blonde
Eye colour – blue
Type – Girl
Having ordered the baby some time around mid-March 2015 (a rum inspired family upgrade), we fully expected to be in receipt of our package in December 2015. We do understand that deliveries can be delayed, especially around the festive peak, but we were dismayed and slightly irked that the baby didn’t reach us until January 2016.
This caused much upset to the Christmas we had planned.
1. I had to remain sober – what the actual fuck? My lovely mum had kindly bought me a much appreciated bottle of Tarquin’s Gin that I was very much looking forward to. Having anticipated my Yule tide gin since MAY – I was most displeased that I couldn’t enjoy it until January.
2. There was an un-worn Christmas pudding hat that I spent FIVE WHOLE ENGLISH POUNDS on. Bearing in mind that the baby will be the last child on order in this household this was most disappointing.
3. There is a bear from Harrods that is still awaiting modification as it has the wrong fucking year on its foot. I cannot embroider.
4. Upon arrival, I was left with several weeks (months) of discomfort. I ordered a pain free delivery – I am still awaiting an explanation and full apology.
Upon receiving our late delivery we were, of course, very pleased with the product. There were, however, several notable malfunctions.
1. It appears to have a faulty noise box. I’m sure it should be at least 10 decibels quieter and much less frequent.
2. It doesn’t understand that we need to sleep during the dark hours. I’m sure a swift reprogramming would sort this as it really is quite inconvenient.
3. There is no ‘snooze’ function. I can only assume that this model is defective.
4. Some days, without prior warning it shoots pure, concentrated evil out of the back of it. Perhaps it needs a filter change? It worked on my crappy car.
Now that the baby is getting older (approaching 9 months) it has taken to screeching like a banshee – often – I don’t understand what this means as the product can’t communicate on a civilised level, so we are left to blindly guess. The manual must have been left behind when our order was dispatched.
I also read on the internet that we should start administering solid foods at around six months, we have been doing this with varying levels of success, although the baby appears to think it’s amusing to throw the food on the floor. As we don’t have a dog (negotiations continue) this is most inconvenient.
Obviously with the introduction of solid food stuffs, there has been a change in volume and consistency of the pure, concentrated evil. Also, the baby has taken to performing an ‘alligator death roll’ during the lengthy clean up process. The results are difficult and messy.
The baby is very demanding of our time, or more accurately – my time. It doesn’t seem to like it if I leave the room, which is most troublesome now that I’ve returned to work.
The baby appears to view a trip in the car seat as extreme torture. This is annoying as it is, of course, a legal requirement. We have attempted toys, music and food stuffs as distractions. None of these things have worked.
The product is adapting really well to the more mobile features recently engaged, although seems to have developed a habit of head butting the furniture. This sets off the noise box, which, as I mentioned earlier, is faulty.
There seems to be something wrong with the arm settings as the baby can be quite slappy. It has a penchant for scratching and hair pulling. I’m sure this is not part of the design.
The baby intermittently secretes a clear, watery substance from its mouth, I’m told this is due to the teething upgrade, although I believe it could be a malfunction.
I’m not the sort to complain normally, so I will note that the baby has many redeeming features, including being ridiculously cute and insanely funny most of the time. The product learns quickly and dispenses very satisfying cuddles.
I’ve came to the conclusion that the product needs a service.
I do not require a replacement as we have became fairly attached to this unit, however I would be most appreciative if these adjustments could be made swiftly, so that we can get some sleep this year and travel further than the town centre in the car without wanting to surgically remove our ears.